Years ago, somewhere in England, a good friend of mine advised me to use the word 'hate' more sparingly. Do not use it too often, he told me as we were sitting in his Gateshead kitchen drinking Yorkshire tea. Apply it with care. It's a very strong word, he explained to the Russian-speaking teenager who was at the time 'hating' just about everything. As a teenager would. My opinions on music were particularly vicious: 'Nirvana can't write melodies', 'Radiohead are bloodless', 'U2 are unbearable' and 'Queen are the worst band of all time'. And these were just some of the bands that I 'hated'.
Now of course things have changed, and my views have evolved (or devolved, depending on your point of view). I try to use the word 'hate' sparingly (there is a lot to be said for late-night advice given to impressionable 15-year-old teenagers), and I can safely claim that Nirvana could write melodies and Jazz is a very good album indeed. Still, I subscribe to Christopher Hitchens's idea that the feeling of hate can be a force for good, and a perfect reason to get out of bed in the morning. But enough of that, let's talk about Bon Iver.
Because I hate Bon Iver. With passion. One glance at the tracklist of Justin Vernon's latest albums makes me want to strangle every fucker who was involved in the 'creative' process. One snippet of Bon Iver's 'music' (I use the term loosely - Bon Iver's music is pretentious faffing around that is supposed to distract you from the fact that the guy can't write a tune to save his life) makes me question the sanity of those who say they like this kind of stuff. And the voice? That goddamn falsetto which seems to bring every hipster and paid critic to the verge of orgasm? No, I do, truly and sincerely, hate Bon Iver. There is just no vocabulary esoteric enough to express this idea any better than that.
For instance, look at the tracklist from Bon Iver's 2016 album 22, a Million and tell me what you think.
1. "22 (OVER S∞∞N)"
2. "10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄"
3. "715 - CR∑∑KS"
4. "33 "GOD""
5. "29 #Strafford APTS"
6. "666 ʇ"
7. "21 M◊◊N WATER"
8. "8 (circle)"
9. "____45_____"
10. "00000 Million"
You have to be a human being totally devoid of self-irony to come up with this, and you have to be a truly humourless human being to be taken in by this bullshit.
But so many people are taken in by this bullshit, to the extent that you could think there is a global conspiracy involved. Because while I can believe that some people might be stoned/heartbroken enough to appreciate the whiny folk that Bon Iver's debut was made of (plus, there was an intriguing story to go with the music: a lonesome guy with an acoustic guitar, somewhere in a cabin in the woods of Wisconsin), there is just no way you can view his subsequent albums as serious artistic statements. Chopped-up, autotuned, pretentious and ultimately empty posturing by a guy who can't sustain a decent melody over the course of two fucking minutes. And when he does manage that, on a very rare occasion, the melody is as bland as Justin's normal speaking voice.
The odd part is that back when Vernon's first LP, For Emma, Forever Ago, came out, I was actively supporting it. But then emotionally I was going through a very difficult time in those days, and a cabin in the north-central US did sound positively cathartic. Once I got better, however, For Emma revealed itself to be just plain dull. Which brings me to this final thought: I hope that all these hapless people (critics included) are simply too gullible to see through the primitive tricks. They are just going through hard times, these hapless people, and in a few months they will get over it and finally realise that Bon Iver's music has no substance whatsoever. That they were taken in by this bearded charlatan who was fucking with them all along. And everyone will open their eyes and ears and just laugh out loud and think this guy does not even deserve anyone's hate.
But until that day comes... I hate Bon Iver.
